Who do you say I am? (jesse_dylan) wrote,
Who do you say I am?

the difference

One of our students committed suicide (although investigations are still ongoing). I can't believe he's just gone. I'm also (guiltily) relieved it was not one of my students. I don't know that I could actually handle that right now. I don't know that I can actually handle this, but I don't have much choice.

I can't help but think about Mary. I'm so glad she's safe. She and I both thought that if we ever broke up, she'd die. I guess at some point, she stopped thinking that. I knew I'd never break up with her. Even without that fear, I don't think I ever would have. Even when I felt the most pushed away, the most neglected, the most hurt, I believed we'd work through it and be together. I was wrong, but right now, I'm just so grateful she's safe.

I think about how devastated I'd be if something were to happen to her. I think about how my life would have been if something had happened to her while we were together; I would definitely have thought that death stole my lifemate from me. Yet she is no longer my lifemate anyway; she and I do not communicate at all (I can't even imagine it), and it's on purpose. I might never talk to her again and will almost certainly never see her again, sort of the same as if she were dead, yet there is such a difference.

In a world where someone you love can utterly disappear without a trace, why would people ever want to be apart? Yet people do. People break up; people just don't want to be with each other anymore, and that's it. Either way, someone you desperately love is wrenched from your life, yet somehow there's a difference.

When someone loses a partner to death, they're often devastated, yet that same person who would have been devastated, given time with their partner, can also just cast them away and never talk to them again. It doesn't seem to make much sense.

Some day none of us will be here any more, and it seems to be such a blow when one of us leaves, yet while we're here, we love but also fight and break up and divorce and act as if the other person is dead. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to wrap my head around it.

But I can't stop thinking about her and feeling really grateful that she's okay and still here.

And no matter what happens, this student is gone; no matter what we do or what investigations happen, it won't change that he's gone. Life just doesn't make much sense. I don't know how we all are able to just go about our lives in the face of such realities. How can someone I spoke with days ago just be gone? Why him? Why here and now?

  • (no subject)

    I talk a lot of shit for someone who can barely make a phone call.

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