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the difference  
11:03am 04/29/2017
 
 
Who do you say I am?
One of our students committed suicide (although investigations are still ongoing). I can't believe he's just gone. I'm also (guiltily) relieved it was not one of my students. I don't know that I could actually handle that right now. I don't know that I can actually handle this, but I don't have much choice.

I can't help but think about Mary. I'm so glad she's safe. She and I both thought that if we ever broke up, she'd die. I guess at some point, she stopped thinking that. I knew I'd never break up with her. Even without that fear, I don't think I ever would have. Even when I felt the most pushed away, the most neglected, the most hurt, I believed we'd work through it and be together. I was wrong, but right now, I'm just so grateful she's safe.

I think about how devastated I'd be if something were to happen to her. I think about how my life would have been if something had happened to her while we were together; I would definitely have thought that death stole my lifemate from me. Yet she is no longer my lifemate anyway; she and I do not communicate at all (I can't even imagine it), and it's on purpose. I might never talk to her again and will almost certainly never see her again, sort of the same as if she were dead, yet there is such a difference.

In a world where someone you love can utterly disappear without a trace, why would people ever want to be apart? Yet people do. People break up; people just don't want to be with each other anymore, and that's it. Either way, someone you desperately love is wrenched from your life, yet somehow there's a difference.

When someone loses a partner to death, they're often devastated, yet that same person who would have been devastated, given time with their partner, can also just cast them away and never talk to them again. It doesn't seem to make much sense.

Some day none of us will be here any more, and it seems to be such a blow when one of us leaves, yet while we're here, we love but also fight and break up and divorce and act as if the other person is dead. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to wrap my head around it.

But I can't stop thinking about her and feeling really grateful that she's okay and still here.

And no matter what happens, this student is gone; no matter what we do or what investigations happen, it won't change that he's gone. Life just doesn't make much sense. I don't know how we all are able to just go about our lives in the face of such realities. How can someone I spoke with days ago just be gone? Why him? Why here and now?
 
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(no subject)  
07:47pm 04/28/2017
 
 
Who do you say I am?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who can barely make a phone call.

 
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a pet peeve  
04:59pm 04/21/2017
 
 
Who do you say I am?
While I'm thinking about it, here is a pet-peeve (aside from the phrase "pet-peeve" being one of my pet peeves (I don't know what I was hyphenating that for)):

When people begin the answer to a question with "So..."

Is "So..." the new "Well..."?

Here's an example.

Q "Is there a cost of admission for students?"

A "So, students have to pay $6, but it covers supper, too."

What? Where did that come from? Don't start the answer to a question with "SO." I know, you've heard other people do it, and you've started doing it out of pressure. Don't. Stop it before it's too late. I blame young people in California for this.

It is different to use "So" in the form of a non-sequitur, for instance walking into a room and saying, "So I just peed on myself!" That's funny. That adds value.

But if someone asks you where you peed, don't answer by saying, "So I just peed on myself!" Leave off the "so," because it is useless. ...Although that's actually quite a bit better than the example I gave above...
 
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Anybody still here?  
10:25am 04/02/2017
 
 
Who do you say I am?
Just wondering.

Mary and I met here, 6+ years ago, and she left me two weeks ago, after 6 years of back and forth distance. No matter how insecure and afraid I always was, the entire time, I thought we'd work through it all and be together forever. No matter how much I feared otherwise, every day, I still hung on to that belief, that if two people love each other and don't give up, it will work out.

Two weeks of one foot in front of the other, grieving, waiting for the pain to diminish, trying to keep myself from obsessing over thoughts of her being intimate with others that send feelings of death to the pit of my stomach and bottom of my feet, hiding all the objects that remind me of her, trying to make it through each work day without hitting a wall I can't remove myself from, trying not to think about all the places I'll never be able to go again because it would hurt too much... And there I go again, thinking of her with someone else. She used to say that, if not for me, she'd have been alone her whole life, and that if she wasn't with me, she wouldn't be with anyone. I always knew none of that was true.

Time heals. I don't like time to go by quickly, but I'm trying to enjoy the speed of it now, because time heals. The more quickly time passes, the more quickly I'll heal.

I thought someday I'd come on here and say how grateful I was that we met on Livejournal, and that we were now finally married and together, happily ever after, never to part. But over the years I went from soulmate, lifepartner, fiance, back down to simply "boyfriend," feeling more like just the friend part, sometimes not even that. She still wears the rings I gave her, not because they symbolize our union, but simply because they're pretty. The last time she left here, I felt she'd never return. The last time I left there, I cried the entire taxi ride to the airport, thinking "I can't do this anymore; I have to be with her now," but I think I knew, deep down, that that was the end.

I thought when she finally got a job, that would begin the countdown, and we'd finally be together. Instead, getting a job seemed to put the nail in the coffin. She left me, yet she said she felt like she didn't leave me. She said it wasn't about anyone else, but if she can leave me and think she's not leaving me, then it can be about no one else and still be motivated by wanting to be with someone else.

So I bought a robot vacuum because I hate vacuuming and because both the vacuums remind me so much of her (she used them all the time); I bought a new washing machine because mine was 30 years old and dead (she had been telling me I should get a new one for 5 years, but I didn't see the point in buying one if I was going to move to England). I try each day to put the pieces of my life back together, even if the only step I take is getting through the work day, or forgetting for even a few seconds that I'm not okay.

Someday I will be able to forget for long enough that I'm not okay, and then I'll be okay.

At the moment, I can't even manage to get out my guitars, because each one reminds me so much of her, and so much of all the songs I wrote about her.
 
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Multi-texting  
08:29pm 04/02/2016
 
 
Who do you say I am?
I am full of hatred for:

Multi-texting.

When I say multi-texting

I mean

when people send like a billion texts

like this

instead of just sending it all...

in...

one... freaking...

text.

Thank you for sending me 12 texts to say what you could have said in one and been 1/12 as annoying.
 
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(no subject)  
11:52pm 10/25/2014
 
 
Who do you say I am?
I was going to post, but I can't figure out how to change my password.

...

Two unrelated events, I guess.
 
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